It's Never Too Late to Hold a Memorial Service

Through most of 2020 and into 2021, pandemic restrictions kept people from saying goodbye the way they wanted to. Many families couldn't be present when a loved one died, and on top of that, they couldn't gather for the kind of funeral that normally helps people grieve. Some held tiny in-person services with just a handful of relatives. Others watched a livestream from a distance. Some skipped the funeral altogether. In every case, the result often felt incomplete, and grief was left unresolved.

Grief researchers now say there's real value in holding that postponed memorial, even a year or more after the death, as a way to finish the healing process.

Table of contents

• Funerals exist for the people left behind
• What the research found about grief without funerals
• It's not too late: plan the memorial now

Funerals exist for the people left behind

Whether the cause of death was COVID-19 or something else, many people who lost someone during the pandemic never got the chance to fully process it. Here's what some who lost a family member in 2020 shared about their experience:

• “No funerals were allowed in the state at that time… It still doesn’t seem real.”

• “It was awful not having loved ones, friends, former coworkers, etc., in attendance at the funeral, which was five people in person, plus the officiant, and livestreamed online.”

• “Most of my family is in Massachusetts, and I'm in Arizona. They did some sort of drive-thru ceremony in Massachusetts that was at a time that didn't work for me here in Arizona, and of course I haven't flown back there yet. So, to me, it's really weird, because it feels like it didn't actually happen.”

• “The lack of being able to hug my sister-in-law, niece, and nephew, in particular, was painful.”

Whether they could attend a small, distanced service or not, all of them missed some essential piece of the grieving process. A funeral isn't just about the logistics of burial. It also serves other purposes:

• They make the death feel real.

• They gather people together so they can support one another.

• They allow physical comfort like hugging, which research shows lowers stress.

• They give everyone a chance to honor and celebrate a life.

• They create a safe space to cry, mourn, and express grief openly.

Anyone who couldn't hold a full funeral — one with no restrictions and everyone able to attend — missed out on at least some of this. Those who only watched online missed more. And those who couldn't attend at all may still struggle to accept that the death happened.

For some, that missing ritual has led to heavier, more complicated grief than usual.

What the research found about grief without funerals

Psychologists Robert A. Neimeyer and Sherman A. Lee have studied grief among people who lost someone during the pandemic.

Dr. Neimeyer directs the Portland Institute for Loss and Transition and is professor emeritus at the University of Memphis. He's known for writing the Techniques of Grief Therapy series. Dr. Lee, at Christopher Newport University in Virginia, worked with Dr. Neimeyer to study 831 American adults who lost a loved one during the COVID-19 restrictions of 2020.

Their study, published in the journal Death Studies under the title “Circumstances of the death and associated risk factors for severity and impairment of COVID-19 grief,” found that dysfunctional grief occurred far more often than usual that year.

Dysfunctional grief is a severe form of grief that interferes with daily life. Someone experiencing it might wish to die so they can be reunited with the person they lost, or feel unable to care for their family or keep up with work.

Normally, roughly five to 10 percent of grieving people experience this clinical level of dysfunctional grief. In 2020, the study found, that number jumped to about two-thirds of those surveyed.

“Even as the specter of the coronavirus pandemic begins to recede in many nations,” Dr. Neimeyer says, “our studies of Americans who have lost a loved one to COVID-19 suggest that it will be followed by a second ‘shadow pandemic’ — one of acute and potentially lingering grief.” That grief, he says, comes with “significant anguish and impairment in people’s ability to function in key roles as a parent, partner, friend or worker.”

Neimeyer and Lee traced this dysfunctional grief to several pandemic-specific factors, including not being able to be present at a loved one's death, and dissatisfaction with a small or absent funeral.

There's good news, though: these researchers say this level of grief doesn't have to last forever. Dr. Neimeyer explains that grievers can still reclaim what they missed when a full funeral wasn't possible. “We have an opportunity to press rewind,” he says, “and play it again in a more satisfying way.”

It's not too late: plan the memorial now

That opportunity is available right now. The pandemic hasn't fully ended, but with vaccination rates climbing and warmer weather making outdoor gatherings easier, meeting in person is safer than it was a few months earlier. Many families chose to delay the funeral until they could be together, and the summer and fall of 2021 gave them that opening.

A memorial held months after a death won't look like the funeral you might have had right away. But it can still be a deeply healing event that fulfills all the same purposes. It can bring together family and friends from across the country, and let everyone hug, cry, and trade favorite stories and photos.

A memorial service differs from a funeral because the body isn't present. Still, you can display photos and belongings that meant something to the person who died, which helps with the important work of accepting the loss. Simply showing up to a memorial — something many people couldn't do during the pandemic — goes a long way toward that acceptance.

Planning a memorial can feel overwhelming, but you don't have to manage it alone. A funeral home can help you organize one even if months, or a year or more, have passed since the death. They can help find a venue, arrange photos and keepsakes, coordinate readings and speeches, and handle the many other details involved.

Some families are already planning summer memorials, and a few have already held theirs this spring. But others hesitate to revisit painful feelings this long after the death. Here are a few hesitations people have shared:

• “We’re all just ready to move on from this year.”

• “It just feels weird to me to do something a year later.”

• “I don't want to reschedule because things are still so iffy.”

• “Doing a memorial might just bring up the hard parts.”

These are all understandable feelings. Grief looks different for everyone. Maybe a distanced or livestreamed funeral didn't feel satisfying, but redoing it in person now doesn't feel right either. And for some, holding a memorial now simply isn't realistic — other family members may not want to, or can't gather right now, or maybe you're not the person who should be planning it, say an in-law or a friend rather than an immediate family member.

A funeral is one meaningful ritual, but it isn't the only path toward working through grief. Dr. Neimeyer suggests framing the question this way: “What can I do? Not what can’t I do. What is feasible here?” So if planning a memorial isn't in the cards for you or your family, you can focus instead on what will work. Consider some of these options:

• Hold a headstone dedication. This is a familiar Jewish tradition, when family and friends gather for the unveiling of the monument. Prayers and scripture are read, and relatives may share a few words about the person who died. Whatever your faith, you can bring loved ones together for this moment. Seeing a name and dates carved into stone can help make the death feel real, and gathering together provides support for that step.

• Celebrate their birthday together. Many families do this on a milestone birthday, but any birthday works. It's a natural moment for stories, photos, and shared memories.

• Share a family meal. Honoring a life doesn't require an elaborate event — dinner out, or at a relative's house, works fine. You might leave one chair empty at the table for the person you lost. With the loss still fresh, conversation will likely turn to memories you shared.

• Bring together a smaller circle. A memorial gathering doesn't need to include everyone. If it's been a while since the cousins, siblings, or close friends got together, invite them for a drink or meal and remember your loved one as a group.

• Build an online memorial. This could mean a dedicated website, or simply turning the person's social media profile into a memorial page. Invite family and friends to add their own favorite memories and photos.

• Sit with old photos. Some rituals you can do entirely on your own. Even if no one else wants a memorial, you can quietly spend time with photo albums or old social media posts, recall your favorite memories, and thank the person for what they gave your life.

• Give in their memory. You could donate to a cause your loved one cared about, or to a charity of your own choosing in their name. Planting a memorial tree in their honor is another option.

• Write a condolence letter. Choose a nice card and handwrite a note to the spouse, parent, or child of the person who died. Including a specific memory or favorite story — and a photo, if you have one — makes it more meaningful. It doesn't matter if months have passed and you never sent condolences at the time. Dr. Neimeyer points out there's no deadline for this. In fact, it can matter even more later: “We tend to get a lot of support in the first few weeks, and then that tapers off.” Many grieving people deeply value someone reaching out after that early rush of support fades. And writing down your memories will do you good, too.

One of these ideas might suit you, or you may think of something entirely your own. What matters is doing something, especially if lingering grief remains after missing out on a full funeral for someone you loved. It's never too late to honor and celebrate their life.

Tags: COVID-19 Information, Feature Stories, Funeral Planning, Funerals and Memorial Services, Grief, Grief Support, Help with Grief and Loss, Living with Grief

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