How to Get Through the Holidays While Grieving

Grief educator David Kessler once likened death to the Grinch from Dr. Seuss's How the Grinch Stole Christmas — a thief that sneaks in and steals the joy from a person's life. For many people grieving, that image rings true, and the weeks leading into the holiday season can be some of the roughest of the whole year.

Kessler points out that grieving people often feel pressure to seem cheerful during the holidays, and that added expectation — whether it comes from others or from themselves — can pile more weight onto grief that already feels heavy.

There's no single correct way to grieve, but Kessler offers four ideas for getting through the holiday season. He encourages readers to keep whatever helps and set aside anything that doesn't fit their situation.

Skip any tradition that feels like a burden.

Some people find comfort in keeping up their usual holiday routines. Others don't, and that's fine too. Kessler says it's perfectly acceptable to cancel your normal celebration or stay home from a family gathering if that's what you need this year. What you want matters most right now, especially during such a hard stretch. The same goes for gifts and cards — if sending them feels like one more obligation, give yourself permission to skip it. There's always next year.

Don't let other people's advice add to what you're carrying.

People close to you will likely offer plenty of well-intentioned suggestions for surviving the holidays. Kessler reminds grievers that they're free to set those suggestions aside. His advice: thank the person, then handle things your own way. This can be especially tough for anyone used to putting other people's comfort first, but stepping back from others' opinions lets you focus on your own grieving process and do what actually helps. If you decide to go to a holiday gathering, Kessler also suggests having a way to leave early in mind, in case the emotions become too much to handle in the moment.

Make room for the loss inside the holiday.

Kessler views grief and the holidays as connected rather than separate experiences. He suggests attending to your loss first — giving yourself permission to do something in memory of your person before anything else. That might mean contacting a support group, visiting the cemetery, or setting aside time to share memories online. Honoring your person before turning to the rest of the holiday helps you face the grief head-on instead of pushing it out of sight.

Show people it's okay to bring up your loved one.

If you want to talk about your person during the holidays but notice their name isn't coming up at the table, Kessler says don't hold that wish inside. As he puts it, sometimes you'll be the one who has to start that conversation. Friends and family usually want to share memories too — they just need to know it's welcome. Try giving small cues, like mentioning how much you miss your person or bringing up something memorable they once said or did. That tells the people around you that talking about them is welcome, not off-limits.

• Christmas
• Coping with Loss
• David Kessler
• Grief Support
• Help with Grief and Loss
• Holidays After Loss
• Living with Grief
• New Year's
• Thanksgiving