Grief emotions aren't good or bad — they simply are

Plenty of people who come to grief work never thought of themselves as perfectionists, but they were used to functioning well in the world. One griever described being an average student who still did fine, someone who wasn't the most outgoing but held her own with friends and strangers. She liked being competent — good at her job, comfortable trying new things, capable of figuring things out without asking for help.

When grief upended her life at eighteen, some part of her felt pressure to handle that well too. She had no idea what it actually meant to "grieve well," a phrase that gets tossed around often enough to feel almost meaningless. Still, it seemed logical: grief was just one more thing she should learn to do properly.

In trying to work out what that meant, she absorbed a handful of myths about emotions that didn't serve her well. These myths get referenced across a lot of writing on grief without ever being fully unpacked. So here they are, laid out plainly.

A few of the myths worth naming:

• Some emotions are good and some are bad.
• We should work to get rid of or dodge the bad ones.
• You have no control over what you feel.

Let's take these apart one at a time, then look at what actually helps shift this kind of thinking.

Emotions aren't good or bad — they're just information

There's no such thing as a good emotion or a bad one — there are simply emotions. They're your brain's built-in response to what's happening around you. Some feel easy, some feel awful, but that doesn't make them virtuous or shameful. They exist. You feel them for a reason, and the healthier move is staying open to them rather than running from them.

This idea tends to draw pushback. In one grief group, someone argued that emotions like anger or guilt were plainly bad and should be eliminated. Many people share that instinct. Here's the reasoning against it.

Emotions evolved for a reason: they flag something about your circumstances. Even the hard ones function as tools. Guilt often signals that a behavior shouldn't be repeated. Anger can point to someone treating you badly, information worth having so you can protect yourself. Numbing out negative feelings about a relationship, a job, or another part of life makes you less likely to make the changes that situation actually needs.

The trouble isn't the difficult emotion itself. It's when that emotion drives behavior that causes harm, or when you get stuck cycling on one feeling long enough that it starts damaging your daily life. Not the clearest line to draw, maybe — but there's more ahead.

Trying to erase or force out bad emotions backfires

Human beings are wired to dodge anything difficult to feel. That means we'll do almost anything to stop, avoid, or numb hard emotions — staying constantly busy, turning to drugs or alcohol, or finding other escape routes. The problem: research shows that trying to avoid your own thoughts tends to damage mental health rather than protect it.

Positive emotions genuinely do support mental health — that much is true. But that doesn't mean the goal should be feeling only positive emotions while burying or numbing everything else. Two researchers at NYU studied this in a study of people in psychotherapy, surveying them before each session and coding written narratives for different emotional content. People who could identify and feel both "positive" emotions (happy, cheerful, hopeful) and "negative" ones (sad, hopeless, dejected, angry) were more likely to see their mood and well-being improve over the following weeks.

Plenty of other research points to the same pattern: suppressing hard emotions tends to backfire. In one study, people who tried to suppress negative thoughts before bed were more likely to dream about them. Another found that people who tried to suppress thoughts about food were more prone to overeating than those who faced those feelings directly. And yet another found that people who tried to avoid uncomfortable thoughts ended up with more intrusive, unwanted thoughts, not fewer.

You do have some say over your emotions

This myth is trickier, because part of it is true — emotions are natural, automatic reactions to what happens in your life. But you do get to choose what you do with an emotion once it shows up. You can decide how much power it has over your feelings and actions going forward.

Say you're furious with someone. One option: lash out and start a fight, letting the anger drive your behavior. Another option: notice the anger, choose not to lose your temper, stay respectful, and try to find some empathy for whatever triggered it.

Or say you're sad and pulling away from people. You could decline a coffee invitation from a good friend, letting the sadness convince you that you don't have the energy or wouldn't be good company. Or you could acknowledge the sadness, admit it will be hard, and go anyway, refusing to let the feeling dictate your behavior. This approach is sometimes called Opposite Action.

In both cases, the initial emotion shows up either way. What changes the outcome is the behavior you choose in response — and that choice can, in turn, reshape the emotion itself.

So what do you actually do with this?

Understanding this made it easy, in the abstract, to grasp phrases like "lean into the pain" or "feel your feelings."

But putting that into practice is harder, especially when instinct — and most of the messages we get from other people — pushes us toward avoiding, suppressing, and ignoring emotions instead.

Ways to make room for hard emotions

Try meditation

Meditation often gets framed as letting go of thoughts and feelings, but it can just as easily be used to sit with a difficult emotion rather than dodge it. If meditation is new to you, the New York Times put together a solid guide to get started. Sharon Salzberg also offers meditations built around facing painful emotions directly instead of avoiding them.

Write, draw, or find another creative outlet

People often hear that therapy is the only real way to work through difficult emotions, but talking doesn't suit everyone. Many people find that writing or another creative outlet fits them better — and that can be just as valid a way to face what you're feeling.

Join a group or see a therapist

This option has stood the test of time. It helps when hard emotions feel so overwhelming that you can't let them in, or when, once you do, they start interfering with the life you want to live. A counselor or a support group can offer real help with facing and working through difficult feelings.

Be honest with people you trust

It's tempting to put on a brave face and tell even close friends or a partner that you're "fine" when you're not. Instead, push yourself to be honest with the people you trust most about what you're actually feeling, tough feelings included, rather than avoiding or downplaying them. You might find more support waiting there than you expected.