7 Ways to Be Gentle With Yourself While Grieving at the Holidays

The stretch between November and January can be one of the hardest of the year when you're grieving. Here are seven ways to ease the pressure on yourself and make room for both loss and comfort.

1. Let go of the idea that the holidays must be perfect

Try to release the belief that if you just get everything right, grief and sadness will stay away. They won't. You can cook the most tender brisket and set the most beautiful table, and someone will still be missing. That ache doesn't go away because things look nice.

You also don't owe anyone a flawless performance. Many people put on a brave face to convince others they're doing fine, but struggling this time of year is common, no matter how recent or distant your loss. If you're not at your holiday best, that's a good enough reason. Let it be what it is.

Besides, "perfect" is overrated. As we've written before in New Perspectives on Old Traditions:

"In reflecting on holidays past what's more likely to make you smile – the holiday when you had spaghetti for dinner because the dog ate the roast or the year everything went as planned? When it comes to family, imperfection is perfection. Working together to get through the holidays despite inescapable flaws will help deepen family bonds and create a supportive environment for grief and remembrance."

2. Be thoughtful, but flexible, about tradition

Tradition matters deeply, which is why it's such a tender subject when you're grieving. It offers comfort and steadiness. It ties the past to the present, and it links the living to the people they love who have died. Yet after a death, tradition often has to shift.

Changing a ritual can feel like losing something all over again, so there's usually resistance to it. Some families try to keep everything exactly the same, but that can make the empty seat stand out even more, because the person's absence becomes the one difference in an otherwise unchanged scene.

A useful question to raise together is: How do we honor a tradition while letting it change? The answer looks different for every family. A good starting point is to ask why you keep the tradition at all.

Think about what sits at the core of it. Togetherness? Generosity? Shared history? Faith? Often you'll discover that the "what" can change as long as you still hold onto the "why."

3. Get comfortable saying no

From late fall into winter, obligations and stress build up for nearly everyone. When you're grieving, you're carrying loss and change on top of that, which means you simply have less physical, emotional, and mental energy to spend.

If you tend to say yes to every invitation and request, consider saying no a little more often over these next few weeks. You don't have to skip everything. Just protect the commitments that matter most and let go of the events you wouldn't really miss.

Try not to bury your grief by staying busy or insisting you're fine. Be honest with yourself and with others that this year feels different. Taking care of yourself and the people you love sometimes means going easy, and that's perfectly okay.

4. Put "me" time on the calendar

Now that you're saying no more carefully, use some of that freed-up time for your own well-being. Build specific coping activities into your week, and plan small breaks during busy gatherings and events.

5. Use your resources and let people help

You're not doing this alone, even when it feels that way. And even if you don't have family or friends to lean on, there are services and groups in your community that may be able to help you through.

If you're not sure what kind of help you need, read Thanks for the Offer, But I Don't Know What I Need. If you know what you need but aren't sure how to ask, try Helping Your Friends Help You. And if you'd rather skip the hints entirely, just pass along the article 8 Tips for Supporting a Grieving Friend This Holiday to the people around you.

6. Let yourself feel comfort and joy

Whatever you're feeling right now is okay. Positive emotions are never guaranteed during the holidays, and especially not when you're grieving. But if you catch yourself laughing at Buddy the Elf or smiling at a grandchild's delight on Christmas morning, let it happen. You don't need to feel guilty about it.

Feeling okay, or comforted, or happy, or grateful can feel like a betrayal of the person who died. It isn't. This isn't about assuming your loved one would want you to be happy, though they very likely would. It's that emotions aren't all-or-nothing, and you can feel many things at once. Laughter and warmth don't erase your sadness. They can sit right beside it.

7. Look for ways to stay connected to your loved one

One of the most healing ways to cope with missing someone at the holidays is to find ways to feel close to them and to weave their memory into your gatherings and celebrations.

It can feel lonely when the people around you don't want to acknowledge the loss the way you do. Try not to be too discouraged if those you're spending the holidays with aren't open to remembering your loved one as you'd like to. Research suggests private rituals can be just as healing, if not more so, than larger public remembrances.